


Let me remind you

by Renversermonmonde



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Amnesia, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-21
Updated: 2013-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-27 05:34:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/975029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renversermonmonde/pseuds/Renversermonmonde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel wakes up in a hospital, missing the last 7,5 years of his life. He doesn't remember Dean, or their life together. Dean sets himself the (painful) task of helping Cas through this and back to his feet, not knowing if the memories will ever return.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Winglesss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winglesss/gifts).



> A big thanks goes to Winglesss for all her help and inspiration, this one's for you, babygirl.

Dean had been sitting at Cas’ bedside ever since he arrived at the hospital. Which had been what, three, four days ago? He was losing track of time, just wanting to be there when Cas woke up. He’d get up for a quick toilet break, or to take a quick shower in the bathroom attached to the room Castiel was in. He’d never been more glad his mother was a nurse, Mary would check in on him and Cas whenever she could and sit with Castiel when he took a shower. He could hear Sam outside the room, talking to Jess on his phone, telling her that the short visit would be prolonged for an unknown amount of time. Dean was glad Sam was staying, but felt guilty that he was leaving Jess to deal with two hyperactive dogs that only listened to his younger brother.   
The hospital had phoned him with the message that Castiel Novak had been in a serious car accident and had a rather serious head injury. They had no idea what kind of state he’d be in when he woke up. The scans had come back relatively okay, there was a little swelling but the doctors weren’t too worried about that as it was already going down. But Cas still wasn’t waking up. That was something the doctors and nurses and every other person he’d harassed about it told him not to worry about either, because that was normal and it gave the swelling a chance to go down fully before he woke up.   
The main thing that got to Dean was the fact that they had called him and told him Castiel Novak had been in an accident. Castiel Novak no longer existed, his name was Castiel Winchester. Had been, for a few months now. The wedding had been small, just some close friends and Sam and Jess. They hadn’t gotten around to changing Cas’ name everywhere yet, as getting things like your driving license changed cost money. Obviously, they’d forgotten to change his medical records as well. It got to him, and badly at that.   
Dean rubbed his eyes, they were getting sore from his aversion to blinking, just in case Cas moved, or something showed up on one of the many monitors attached to him. His skin seemed too pale, all the tubes sticking out from everywhere making Dean a bit wary to look at Cas’ face. Just waiting for those blue eyes to open, waiting for the currently cold – but normally warm - hand to grab his own… he couldn’t lose Cas. His musings were interrupted when his mom came into the room to check on Cas.  
‘Hey sweetheart, how are you feeling?’ she asked Dean whilst looking over the information on Cas’ chart before giving a small sigh. ‘Terrible, is the truthful answer, mom. He’s not waking up, nothing’s changed in the last few days and- ’ Dean had to swallow the lump that formed in his throat. ‘I know, love, I know.’ Mary shushed him whilst wrapping her arms around him and kissing the top of his head. ‘Sorry, I can’t stay, I’ll be back later, okay?’ Dean nodded and reluctantly let her go. It was weird, he’d never been this clingy to his mother but god, was he thankful she was there. ‘Oh, and Dean? Make sure you eat something, you’re of no help to Cas if you’re rotting away in here,’ she said with a wink before closing the door behind her.   
Not long after Mary left, Sam came back into the room, apologizing for taking so long. ‘Jess wanted to have a biiiiig update on what’s been happening and how you’re holding up and told me the homework I have to do whilst I’m here. She talked to my teachers for me and they understood, so they’re letting me off the hook for a bit.’ Dean was glad Sam was there with him, the support from his little brother meant the world to him. Sam placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. ‘You should eat something, I’ll watch over him for a bit. Get some fresh air, get some caffeine in you and some food and I’ll see you in a while, okay?’ Dean nodded, letting go of Cas’ hand. Before walking out the door, he placed a soft kiss on Cas’ forehead, and mumbled an I love you.   
Sam had been right, getting some fresh air helped clear Dean’s head. He was scared of what would happen when Cas woke up. He knew enough about brain injuries to know they were risky. Anything could happen, the brain was so fragile, and damage could lead to so many different things. As he cherished the coffee from the small café in the hospital instead of the crap the normal cafeteria served, he looked out over the parking lot. Watching people come and go, he wondered when Cas and him would be able to leave, and how things would be before then.   
With a deep sigh he finished his coffee, threw the cup in a trashcan and made his way back inside. After walking back into the room and finding Castiel in the exact same state Dean left him in, he sunk down into his chair, defeated. On the one hand he was glad Cas hadn’t woken up to him being away. On the other hand, he just wanted his husband (fuck society and their “partner” bullshit, Cas was his husband, dammit!) to wake up, be okay and go back home with him. He could practically hear Sam’s brain working as he tried to figure something out. After giving him a quick glance, Dean looked back at Cas, lifting his hand and pressing a small kiss to his knuckles.   
‘Dean, doesn’t Cas has family?’ Sam asked after a long silence.   
Dean nodded, ‘Yes, but only Gabriel and Lucifer actually acknowledge him as that. Why?’ Sam’s face morphed from curious into shocked. ‘Did you call them to tell them what happened to Cas?’ realization dawned on Dean, an unwelcome guest in his already overflowing mind. ‘Shit. No, I didn’t. I don’t – I don’t know if I can Sammy… I mean, look at Cas. He’s nearly as tall as me and yet he looks so small in this bed, between all these tubes and monitors and other things. Just look at him, Sammy, really look at him. That’s not Cas. Even when he’s asleep, he doesn’t look like this. He’s too still, it’s unnatural and I just –’ the rest of the sentence was lost as Sam pulled him to his feet and into one of his big bear hugs.  
‘I get it, Dean, I do. He’ll wake up, he’ll get back to his feet and you’ll be able to move on together. You’ll make it through whatever life throws at you. I’ll call Gabe if you want me to, and I’ll ask him to tell Lucifer. I don’t think I can tell the story twice either.’ Dean nodded, his face in the crook of Sam’s neck, hands full of the plaid shirt his brother was wearing. ‘You’ll be okay, Dean. And so will Cas. It might take a while, and it might take even more effort, but he’ll get there. You have to trust, believe, that he will.’ Sam pulled back a little to look into Dean’s eyes, ‘He’ll be okay, and so will you.’ Dean gave Sam a watery smile at hearing that, his brother had always been good at making him feel better. He brushed the stray tears away before sitting back down. ‘I’ll go make that call.’ Sam said softly before walking out of the hospital room.   
It was hard to miss the conversation that followed. Gabriel freaked out and it was audible in most of the hospital. Eventually Sam had to take the conversation outside because the nurses were asking him to. When he came back to the hospital room, the sight that greeted him was Dean fast asleep in his chair, head on Cas’ bed, holding his hand. He sighed deep, his brother needed every minute of sleep he could get.   
When Dean woke up, Sam was in the room with him, apparently doing homework. ‘What are you studying?’ Dean asked, wondering what crazy idea his brother had gotten into his head this time.   
‘Juvenile justice and social policy,’ Sam said, beaming at him, obviously finding it an interesting subject. ‘I’m doing some research for the paper I have to write, it’s got to have so many different things in it in so little pages, it isn’t even funny anymore.’ Dean snorted, leave it to Sam to complain about the page limit instead of the amount of work it was going to take.  
‘Good luck, I’m sure you’ll ace it.’ Sam’s smile got even brighter. ‘Thanks. Oh and aside from throwing a fit that he hadn’t been told earlier, Gabriel is glad to be informed after all, and he’ll give Lucifer a ring. They’re both currently away for business, Gabe to see if he can open a shop somewhere else and Lucifer’s hunting down some big story in… I think it was Vegas?’ Dean smiled a little at that, it sounded like Lucifer to use his job in journalism to get some time in Vegas. He quietly thanked Sam for the call and went back to studying Cas.  
When Sam had gone off to get something for dinner, Mary came back into the room. After checking the monitors and the stupid amount of drips and tubes connected to Cas she picked up the chart again. ‘Still no change, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I don’t suppose that’s news for you though. My shift’s about to end, how about you go take a shower and lie down on the couch in the break room for a couple of hours? Sarah and Lisa are on duty next and they know who you are so it’s fine. Get some sleep sweetie, I’ll be here with Castiel. I’ll send Sam a text to go home, John and him have a lot of catching up to do and he needs some sleep as well.’ With all the motherly love she could muster she gently nudged Dean out of his seat and out of the room. After lying down on the couch, she got him a blanket and a pillow. Even tucked him in and gave him a kiss on his forehead, before wishing him sweet dreams. In any other situation, Dean would feel ridiculous being babied like that, but right now, he really didn’t care. He’d sleep a lot better than he thought he would.


	2. Chapter 2

It was another few days (according to nurse Lisa, Dean had no idea, it seemed like forever) before Castiel started to show signs he was slowly waking up. When he’d wake up exactly was unpredictable, just like what the effects of the head injury were. Dean felt – and probably looked – like hell, his eyes were sore and dry, his head constantly felt like it was about to burst, his back hurt from the uncomfortable chairs in the hospital. He just wanted to get the hell out of this hospital, but at the same time he knew that wouldn’t be possible just yet. Cas had to wake up first, and then they’d have to see what damage had been done.  
Dean had used Sam’s laptop to google head injuries and the results had been unsettling. Traumatic brain injury was just a posh word for a concussion, but common symptoms of head injury included coma, personality change, seizures... what if Cas ended up a completely different person? Sam had found him researching ‘brain injury’ on Google and had stopped him from reading after he read out that traumatic brain injury a major cause is of death and disability is worldwide. Afterwards, Dean had walked to the hospital’s chapel, lighting a candle for Cas and then sitting down to pray for the first time since he could remember.  
‘Erm… I don’t really know how to start. I guess I’ll just say hi? It’s Dean Winchester. I know we’re not on the best of terms and that I blaspheme all the time, sorry about that. I’m not praying for myself though, or maybe in a way I am. I’m praying for Castiel. He’s in the hospital, he’s got a serious head injury and he’s not waking up. Please, god, please, I’m begging you, bring Cas back. He’s a good guy, a great friend and the best husband anyone could ever ask for. I hope you don’t mind that, well, you know, we’re gay and got married and all that. Seriously though, Cas doesn’t deserve this. He’s good, he doesn’t have a bad cell in his body and the world is a better place with him in it. Please bring Cas back to me.’  
After finishing his prayer, Dean opened his eyes slowly, hoping god would listen and help him out. He got to his feet with a slow shake of his head. Him, praying. Wow, he really was desperate. He walked back to the room to find Sam curled up in a chair, study book in his lap, fast asleep. He carefully grabbed the book before it fell to the ground and sat down in the other chair, flipping through the pages. It was no wonder Sam had fallen asleep, this stuff was boring as hell. It reminded him of something however. People always said that talking to people in a coma would help, didn’t they? Cas might not be in a coma, but it could be worth a shot.  
‘Hey Cas, it’s me, Dean. I really hope you’ll wake up soon, life is really shitty without you. I miss you so much, baby. I just wish you were here with me, you always –’ Dean had to swallow around the lump in his throat, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling embarrassed, ‘you always find a way to calm me down, and right now I’m nowhere near calm. Haven’t been since I heard what happened to you. I love you so much, Cas, I can’t even imagine what life would be like without you. I miss you, baby. I don’t want to go home because I know you won’t be there. Oh and Sam called Gabriel yesterday to tell him what happened, he’s hoping to stop by soon to see you and he’d call Lucifer. Mom’s one of your nurses, so you’re in really good hands here. Sam’s here as well, he fell asleep whilst studying for one of his courses. You should see him, he’s all sprawled out over a chair that looks really uncomfortable. Oh, I just realized something. I should probably bring you some books, and some clean clothes and stuff like that… I’ll get you a stack of your favourite books when I next go home. Dammit Cas, I need you to wake up. I need you.’ Dean had to blink away some tears, realizing just how much he loved, and missed, and needed his Cas.  
After a lot of convincing from Mary and Sam, Dean went home that evening, to take a proper shower, do some laundry and gather some things for Cas. After a quickly thrown together dinner he sat down on the couch and looked around. There were memories in every single thing in the living room. How they’d argued about which tv to buy, if they really needed that bluray player, the books sharing the shelves with dvds and cds. The most hideous couch they could find, which also happened to be the most comfortable one. The frames containing a poster of Van Gogh’s Starry Night with the T.A.R.D.I.S. in it, next to a Led Zeppelin poster, next to a very grudgingly put up exploding T.A.R.D.I.S poster. Dean wasn’t much of a Doctor Who fan, but Cas was. With another deep sigh he put his head in his hands. It was their home, but without Cas, it was just a house.  
After a fitful night of sleep and a long shower, Dean found himself sitting at Cas’ bed once again, feeling a little bit better than before. When a nurse came to check on Castiel, he was faced with a surprise however. ‘He should be waking up in the next few hours,’ nurse Lisa informed him. He called Sam, who came over immediately, and sent a text to Gabriel to let him know as well. Mary came to check on them soon after the other nurse left, delighted with the information that Cas would be waking up soon. She sat with him through her break, looking at the books he’d brought and making general small talk until Sam came in and she had to go back to work. 

Castiel woke up feeling groggy, he didn’t want to open his eyes against the harsh light and wondered where on earth he was. Why had Gabriel left the curtains open? Generally, when Gabe left for work earlier than Castiel had to leave for his university classes, he’d close the curtains before leaving so Castiel could get some more sleep. With a groan he tried to open his eyes after all, confused with the scene that faced him. There were unfamiliar people staring at him, one of them too close for his comfort – and, he realized, holding his hand, asking him things. Looking around he recognized the white walls and too harsh light as belonging in a hospital. He tried to open his mouth to ask what on earth was going on, but no sound would come out. A nurse – Mary, her nametag read – gave him a cup of water with a straw, so he could drink some water. Panic started to settle in. Where was he? Why was he in a hospital? Who were all these people? It became harder to breathe and Castiel longed back for the darkness and rest of sleep. 

Mary pressed the call button soon after Castiel woke up, seeing the panic form in his eyes. She told Dean and Sam to give Castel some room, and when the doctor came in and demanded they left the room, she dragged them out. 

‘It’s good to see you awake, Castiel, I am doctor Milton, but you can call me Anna. You’re probably confused as to where you are and what’s going on. Let me clear some things up for you, you’re in Lawrence Memorial Hospital, you were in an accident and ended up here because of a head injury. Now that you’re awake, we can do some tests to see what the results are of this. Can I get you anything whilst I go and get these tests ready?’ the redheaded nurse asked. Castiel shook his head, still trying to wrap his head around everything. ‘I’ll let your friends back in then, and take it easy for now, okay?’ she said before opening the door and leaving. His friends? He’d never seen these people before! Where was Gabriel?! 

As Dean zoned out on the talk between his mother and Castiel’s doctor, his eyes returned to the room Cas was in. He just wanted to see him, just wanted to make sure he was okay. ‘… he seems to be a bit confused for the moment, but that’s understandable after being out of it for so long. He’ll be a bit clearer later on today. Don’t ask too much of him, give him some space and try not to wear him out, okay, Dean?’ Dean turned back to the doctor in front of him at the mention of his name. ‘Go easy on him, Dean, I mean it,’ the doctor repeated before turning around and leaving. 

When the door opened, it revealed the unfamiliar men from earlier and the nurse that had been there as well. The nurse checked things all around him, monitors, drips and the likes. ‘Cas?’ the mention of his name drew his attention to the green eyed man next to him, still too close. The man’s hand hovered above his, not touching just yet. ‘Cas, how are you feeling?’ Cas closed his eyes for a moment, feeling so confused. ‘I’m alright, I think,’ he replied, still unsure how to approach this situation, ‘but can I ask you something?’ The man nodded, looking at him expectantly. ‘Who are you?’

Dean hadn’t thought he could ever actually feel his heart break, but this question broke his heart. Castiel didn’t know who he was. After all the years they spent together, everything they’d been through together, Castiel didn’t remember him, his husband. Before panic completely overtook him, Dean took a deep breath and tried to face the situation. ‘My name is Dean, this is my brother Sam, and the nurse fidgeting with the stuff around your bed is my mom, Mary. Cas, what do you remember?’  
‘I remember going to bed in the apartment I share with my brother Gabriel. How did I end up here?’  
Dean had to get out of the room. Right the fuck now. Before he got up, however, Sam had thrown him the keys to the Impala, giving him a way out and a broken look in his eyes as well. ‘Go, Dean. We’ll handle this and we’ll keep you updated.’ Sam barely got to finish his sentence before his brother was out of the room, running down the hallway, the stairs and out of the hospital. When he arrived at the Impala he couldn’t get the key in. It took him several tries before he managed to get the key into the door. The same problem occurred with trying to insert the key to start the car. His hands were shaking too badly. Once the comforting purr of the car filled his ears, Dean drove off.  
It wasn’t until nearly two hours later that Dean stopped, somewhere on a dead end dirt road in the middle of nowhere, well out of Lawrence, well away from Castiel. He leant his head on the steering wheel and realized he was crying and had been for a while. That explained the blurriness of his vision. Closing his eyes to try and stop the tears from escaping, Dean focused on his breathing, trying to keep calm and failing. He leant back and hit the steering wheel a few times, but it didn’t make him feel better. If anything it made him feel worse, his baby didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. Even if his life had gone to hell. Mumbling a small apology to the car he sat back and checked his phone. Sam had left him a voicemail and a few texts.  
‘Hey Dean, it’s me, Sam. Castiel seems to have a type of memory loss that is called retrograde amnesia. This means he doesn’t remember anything that’s recent before the accident. His last memories seem to be from before you met, before he was kicked out of the family. This is pretty common for amnesia, the older the memories, the better they are preserved. He’s just… well he’s missing the last seven and a half years. There’s no way to predict how this is going to go, his memories might come back, they might not come back, they might partially come back. You know the brain is fragile and that prognosis is really hard when it comes to that. I’m so sorry, Dean, I really am. Give me a call if or when you want to talk, I’m here for you, you hear me?’  
Memory loss. Amnesia. Seven and a half years… how could this be happening? Why was this happening? This is the kind of thing that happens in movies and things always end well and people are happy. This doesn’t happen in real life!?  
But it does. And it did. To Cas, to his beautiful, beautiful Cas. His husband, his best friend, his roommate, his partner. His everything. All the memories they had together were now his memories, because Cas no longer had them. 

The long haired man that called himself Sam stayed with Castiel. There was this nagging feeling at the back of his throbbing head that told him he knew this guy.  
‘Erm, Cas? Dean left these books here for you a few days ago, just in case you wanted to read something.’ Castiel looked over to the pile of books on the nightstand next to him. He was glad to see that at least these people knew some things about him, though at the same time it freaked him out a little. He was beyond glad to see the full Lord of the Rings trilogy amongst some books he didn’t recognize. He frowned at the books labelled ‘Torchwood’ which seemed well read, broken spines and the likes.  
He let the books for what they were for the moment, still trying to sort through all the information he’d been given. He had no idea how he ended up in the hospital. Or what happened in the past seven years. Not remembering the accident was normal. Missing seven years? Not so much. He’d been asked a standardized set of question, name, date of birth, who’s the president, stuff like that. When he replied with George W. Bush he got some strange looks and a specialist was called. The preliminary diagnosis ‘retrograde amnesia’ was written down on his chart. Not long after, doctor Milton left him alone with Sam.  
It was 2013, a guy named Obama was president, had been since 2008. His last memory was somewhere halfway through 2005, and an insignificant one at that. Going to bed after listening to Gabriel moan about his boss, about how being an intern was terrible and how much his life sucked. He wondered where Gabriel was now, or any of his family, for that matter. Why were these strangers here and his family wasn’t?  
‘Oh. Yeah… do you mind waiting until Dean comes back around for any questions? He knows you better than I do and he will have a lot more answers than me.’ Castiel hadn’t realized he’d voiced his question, but this reply just made him more confused and sulky. He opted for nodding instead of replying, which got an him overly happy (and utterly unnecessary) grin. Castiel decided he might as well try to read for a bit, if this guy wasn’t going to give him answers, there wasn’t much point in talking anyway. He opted for the first Lord of the Rings book, a little wary of the books he didn’t recognize.

It was another hour before Dean felt calm enough to drive without totalling the Impala. He took his time driving back to the hospital, trying to come up with a way to break several things to Cas. Like what had happened with the Novak family, the fact they were married and had been together for the last seven years. Or that Cas had pretty much been adopted by the Winchester family. And what about the Roadhouse clients, who were pretty much family too, and how they’d been asking about him.  
There were so many things Cas wouldn’t remember, Dean seriously needed to work on his patience if he was going to deal with this. Which he **was** , he had to. He couldn’t leave Cas behind, not ever, but especially not now. He’d have a lot of research to do, he had no idea what retrograde amnesia entailed, all he had to go on was the information Sam had given him. Once he parked the Impala, he took a deep breath. He could do this, he could deal with this.  
Before he made his way upstairs he got himself, Cas and Sam some coffee. Black for himself, cappuccino with two sugars for Cas, macchiato for Sam. Walking into Cas’ room, he found Cas sleeping, a Lord of the Rings book on his chest. Sam was busy typing away on his laptop. ‘How is he?’ Dean whispered, startling his brother.  
‘Confused, grumpy, silent.’ Sam then noticed the cups of coffee. ‘Oh, you hero. I’ve been gasping for some coffee, but didn’t want to leave Cas alone.’ Handing Sam his coffee, Dean shot a look at the laptop; a Wikipedia page on retrograde amnesia. He then noticed the notepad Sam had been taking notes on. ‘I thought I’d save you some research, I wrote the most important things down for you,’ Sam said, following Dean’s gaze, before handing him the notepad.  
‘Thanks, that’s great actually,’ Dean replied as he took a seat next to Sam and took the notepad before skimming through the text. _Retrograde Amnesia is often temporally graded, this is consistent with Ribot’s law._  
Dean frowned. ‘Sam, what the fuck is Ribot’s law?’  
Sam chuckled before explaining. ‘It means that people are more likely to lose recent memories, as in the ones that are closer to the incident, than memories that are older. This is because older memories are easier to recall, they strengthen over time. As in, they are recalled more often and in more different ways, so there are more pathways leading to that memory.’  
‘Kinda like “all roads lead to Rome”?’ Dean asked, confused as to what Sam was getting at. Sam nodded enthusiastically.  
 _The most commonly affected areas are associated with episodic memory. Episodic memory is the memory of autobiographical events that can be explicitly stated, like a wedding, a graduation, things like that._  
‘Okay, so older memories are more likely to… erm, survive trauma, and the memories about stuff that happened to you, like your life story, are less likely to survive trauma? So what would be likely to survive trauma?’ Dean asked, summarizing what he’d just read out loud to see if he’d gotten it.  
‘Semantic memory generally survives trauma. That refers to the memory of meanings and understandings, stuff like knowing how to ride a bike is semantic. Remembering who taught you and where and things like that are episodic again. As for your other question, yes, older memories are more likely to survive, but in general your “life story” memories, as you put it, are susceptible to trauma.’ Sam explained, very glad he’d taken some neurological classes on the side. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to make any sense of all these terms.  
Going back to the summary Dean read something about tests and treatment, but decided he could harass the doctors about that, so there was no need to read any more right now. He got up and walked to the window, looking up at the – fittingly – grey sky. _Looks like it’s going to rain,_ he thought as he sighed deep. 

Castiel woke up to people whispering. After a while he opened his eyes to see that – what was his name again? Dan? Dave? – had returned and noticed the smell of coffee hanging in the air.  
‘Hey, welcome back. Dean brought you some coffee as well if you’re feeling up for it,’ the dark haired man told him, pointing at his nightstand. The other man – Dean, he reminded himself – turned around to face him.  
‘I assume you’ve got a lot of questions. I’ll answer those which I can. And… I should probably apologize for running off like that. So, I’m sorry.’ Castiel nodded to acknowledge the apology and thought on what question he’d ask first. There were so many to pick from…  
‘What happened to me?’ Castiel asked after a long silence, thinking that might be the easiest question to start with. He watched Dean swallow, and taking a deep breath before pulling the empty chair closer to the bed and he sat down. 

‘You were in an accident, Cas. Somehow a car managed to swerve so badly it nearly hit you. But, as you’re awesome like that, you jumped out of the way. Unfortunately, you lost your balance and hit your head against the curb. Bystanders called an ambulance and you were brought here. You were unconscious for a few days, and there was a bit of swelling going on in your brain, but that went down before you woke up,’ Dean explained, hoping it would satisfy Cas. He looked at Sam for support and his younger brother gave him a small nod, obviously trying to encourage him.  
‘Okay, thank you for explaining that. So what did the doctors say whilst I was out?’ came the next question. Dean had to think really hard to answer that.  
‘Not a whole lot, just that the swelling was small, so not to be worried about too much. That you being unconscious was a good thing, as it would allow the swelling to go down easier that way.’ Dean watched the love of his life nod his head. There was still no recognition, nothing in those deep blue eyes. They were empty. 

Castiel struggled to voice his next question, dreading the answer. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know why these strangers were here, and why his family wasn’t. He needed to know all the same though, so gathering all his courage he spoke; ‘Where is my family?’  
He watched the man’s green eyes– Dean, he told himself, his name is Dean – widen a fraction. A silence fell for quite some time as he watched Dean trying to figure out how to answer. That couldn’t be a good sign, could it?  
‘Cas… shit, man, I don’t know how to break this to you… that’s a really big question you’re asking and it doesn’t have a simple answer. It’s really complicated and -’  
‘Tell me,’ Cas demanded. He felt dread pooling in his stomach. All of a sudden, the coffee smell was overwhelming and it made him nauseous and he thought he might throw up.  
‘Cas. Your family… your family disowned you. You haven’t had any contact with them for seven years. Well, except Gabriel and Lucifer. But that’s a different story.’  
Cas swallowed down the bile rising in his throat, blinking rapidly to get rid of the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks. He couldn’t believe this. Sure, he’d been different from the rest, silent, liked to be alone. What would make them reach this decision though? What could be so bad they’d do such a horrible thing to him? He couldn’t tear his gaze from his hands. They were fidgeting with the hem of the thin blanket that covered him to the waist. In a hardly audible voice he asked Dean why. 

Dean tried really hard to keep the tears out of his own eyes, failing when Sam put a hand on his shoulder. His brother always knew when his support was needed, and unfortunately that wasn’t always a good thing. Dean had to be strong for Cas. Cas had been so upset at the time, he’d cried for days, wouldn’t leave the house and had been pretty much lethargic. Dean didn’t want to see him go through that again, it had been hard enough to deal with the first time it happened. He wiped away the tears that managed to escape after all, angry with himself for not being strong enough.  
‘They didn’t agree with some of the choices you made, with… with who you are. Cas, you told me ages ago that before we met you knew you were… different. Not just from your family, but… fuck, Cas, I don’t know how to break this to you, man.’  
‘J-just tell me, Dean. I can t-take it,’ Cas said, voice broken, eyes still glued to his hands. Dean’s breath hitched – that was the first time Cas had said his name since he woke up. He just wanted to reach out and hold his hand, wrap him up in his arms, kiss the top of his head and tell him everything would be okay. But he couldn’t. Cas didn’t know who he was. He wouldn’t get what it meant.  
‘When you told them you were – about your –’ Dean had to swallow around the lump in his throat before he could continue, ‘when you told them you were gay, they didn’t agree, they kicked you out. At the time you knew they were going to react badly, but you never thought they’d do this to you.’

Cas couldn’t believe his ears. Yes, he knew he was different. He knew he was gay, had known since he was approximately fourteen years old. He just never told his family and couldn’t remember ever acting on it. He furiously wiped at his eyes, angry at himself that he was crying. 

‘How are we doing – oh dear… Dean, Sam, leave the room for a while, will you? I think Castiel needs a moment,’ Mary said as she walked into the room, taking in the whole scene. Sam quickly got to his feet, but Dean wouldn’t budge. She walked over to him and gave his shoulder a soft squeeze. ‘Go get some fresh air, Dean. Sam, take him outside, please?’ Sam pulled Dean to his feet and dragged him out of the room by his elbow.  
‘Oh sweetheart…’ Mary said as she approached Castiel, torn by how broken the man she had taken into her family years ago looked. She reached out and took one of his hands in hers, gently squeezing it. 

It seemed like that gesture broke a dam inside Castiel, the tears now flowed freely and he gave the nurse a desperate look, not knowing what it was he wanted, what he needed. Just knowing that this wasn’t it. That it wasn’t enough. His life had been torn to shreds in the time span of mere hours and he didn’t know what to do. What was he supposed to do? What would happen to him? He had no family, no house, nothing. He was nothing.  
‘Castiel, sweetheart, I know that it’s hard. I do, but you have to trust us. The doctors, the nurses, Dean, Sam. We just want what’s best for you, love. We’ll help you out here. You’re not on your own in this big mess.’  
Somehow that made him cry even harder. He hadn’t thought it possible, but it happened. This woman, this nurse, felt familiar. The motherly warmth his own mother had never shown him felt right. His body seemed to know this comfort and he couldn’t help but lean more towards her.  
‘Oh come here, you. Baby, I promise you, we’ll get you through all this. We’re going to help you out and you’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, Cas. You hear me? You’re in good hands.’ Mary momentarily let go of his hand, wrapping her arms around him in a hug instead.  
Castiel didn’t know why, he didn’t understand why, he just knew this felt right. His body knew these arms, knew that voice. It was beyond confusing and a little scary, but for now, he didn’t really care. He just wanted this to stay. He wanted… 

Mary watched Castiel fall asleep in her arms. He was exhausted. From what she gathered, Dean and Sam had tried to answer his questions and it had led to a small breakdown for all her boys. She hoped Dean was okay, but knew he was in good hands. Sam would look after him. As for Cas, she moved him a little bit so he was lying on the bed, tucked the blanket around him and sat down in the chair Dean had vacated. She held Castiel’s hand in hers, rubbing small circles with her thumb.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean barely made it out of the room before he leaned against the wall, slowly sliding down to sit on the ground. Tears were steadily running down his face, he had long since given up on trying to stop them. Sam sat down next to him, keeping an arm around his shoulders the whole time.   
They could hear Mary talk, the door hadn’t fully closed behind them. They heard her use the soothing motherly voice she sometimes used, when things were really, really bad. Dean recognized it as the voice she’d used on Castiel when he first came to their home. It had been after the Novak family had kicked him out, Dean had told his mom what happened and she demanded he bring Cas over. She had made sure he felt welcome in their family, made sure he felt wanted. She had welcomed him with open arms, like a son long lost. She started telling people she had three sons, not just two. She made him promise to come back for Christmas, and New Years and Easter and every other holiday. She made him help decorating the Christmas tree, made him help prepare dinner on Christmas day, whatever was going on, she’d made sure he was involved.   
Thinking about all this, Dean realized how lucky he was to have a mom like that. How much he loved his mom. How glad he was that she was here, helping them through yet another crisis. It made him realize how glad he was to have Sam, of how much help his brother had always been. He hoped this would never happen to Sam and Jess. To anyone. Nobody deserved this.   
Dean put his head on Sam’s shoulder, willing his breathing to slow down, return back to normal. Sam just pulled him in a little closer, held him a little tighter. He closed his eyes for a moment, focusing on his breathing and nothing else.  
‘Boys? You can come back in. Castiel is asleep,’ came Mary’s voice from inside the room. With a deep sigh Sam unwrapped himself from his brother and got to his feet, extending his hand to Dean. Dean let himself be pulled to his feet and walked into the room.  
His mother’s eyes were red, she had been crying as well. Dean walked up to her and hugged her. ‘Thanks, mom,’ he said, just before he tried to pull back. Mary wouldn’t let him, though, his hand was stuck in hers and he was kind of thankful for it. Sam pushed the other chair towards Dean so he could sit down next to their mother before walking out of the room to find himself a chair and something to drink.   
It was a long time before Castiel woke up again. In the meantime, Dean collected his personal belongings. His phone, his watch, his wedding ring. He made sure the ring was clean and shiny before putting it on the small stack of things that were piling up on his nightstand. The books, “get well soon” cards Cas hadn’t looked at, as he didn’t know any of the people that sent them, a bag of gummibears from Sam, flowers from Jess. After putting everything down Dean sat down in the chair Mary had vacated not long after him and Sam had returned to the room. He couldn’t resist grabbing Cas’ hand and when he got bored from just staring, he grabbed the book Cas had been reading before all this happened and started reading. 

‘Ugh…’ Castiel muttered as he woke up from a fitful sleep. Opening his eyes he was faced with the sleeping form of Dean, his body leaning forward from his chair so his head was on the bed. On top of their entwined hands. A pang of guilt flashed through him. This man obviously cared an awful lot for Castiel. And not just him, no, the blonde nurse and the tall, long haired guy did as well. He wondered how they knew him, and decided to ask soon. His gaze shifted to the chair that Sam generally sat in to find it empty, the nurse nowhere to be seen either. Apparently they’d been left alone for a while. He looked outside, it had gone dark, it was probably getting quite late already.   
‘Hey there, Castiel,’ said nurse Lisa as she entered the room holding a plate with some food. ‘I thought you might be hungry, but all things considered, I didn’t think eating a regular meal would be a good idea just yet. I got you some toast, a cup of tea and an apple if you’re feeling up for it?’ Castiel nodded, now that he thought about it, he was famished.   
‘Thank you, I am quite hungry,’ he replied as the nurse put the food on the nightstand as well, somehow managing to balance it on top of everything else. 

Dean was woken up by one of the nurses walking past him to put some food down for Cas. He grumbled a little as he sat up before rubbing his face with both hands. What time was it?   
‘Dean, it’s nearly eight, you should start grabbing your things and head home. Castiel is in good hands and now that he’s awake you don’t have to worry about him as much. Take a shower, make yourself some dinner and get some sleep. You look like you need it. We’ll look after Cas,’ Lisa said, answering his question.   
‘Oh right, yeah sure, I’ll be out of your way soon,’ he replied, looking forward to a shower and a proper meal, even though he dreaded leaving Cas behind. ‘I hope you don’t mind, Cas?’ he asked, just to be sure. The dark haired man shook his head whilst carefully sipping from his cup of tea. Dean suddenly remembered the things he’d gotten out earlier for Cas and pointed them out to him. ‘You might want to take a look at that, there’s some of your personal stuff there.’

Castiel lifted one eyebrow, looking at the ever growing pile of things on his nightstand. Moving the tray with food to his lap, he noticed his old watch amongst some other things. He was glad to finally see something familiar, and amazed the old thing still worked.   
‘Don’t ask about the watch, man. You’ve had so many problems with the thing, but you refuse to throw it,’ Dean interrupted his train of thoughts as he reached out for the next item, something a lot smaller.

Dean couldn’t help the small gasp that left his lips as Castiel reached for the wedding ring after putting his watch around his wrist. Seemingly without thought, Castiel placed it on his left ring finger, the same place he had his ring. Dean turned the ring around between his fingers nervously, wondering when the ultimate question would come. But Cas reached for the mobile phone, not questioning the ring at all. Unlocking it seemed to take no effort whatsoever, nor did finding the contacts he had. Scanning through the first few, Cas didn’t seem to recognize any of the names. With a deep sigh he put it to the side again, before expectantly looking at Dean.   
‘I’m pretty sure the nurse told you visiting hours were over. I’ll still be here tomorrow morning, you know.’ Dean smirked. A little bit of the Cas he knew was peeking through here, the clever remark so typical for him.   
‘That she did. My number’s in the phone, give me a call if there’s anything I can do for you, okay?’ Dean said while getting up and grabbing his things.   
‘Will do. See you tomorrow?’ was the reply he got. He nodded, smiling a little bit, glad Cas wanted him around. Or at least seemed to want him around. 

After Dean left, Castiel nibbled on the toast and drank his tea before deciding he’d had enough for one day. He turned to his side and closed his eyes. For a moment it felt like something was missing, something essential, but he dismissed it as sleep overtook him. 

Once he’d gotten some groceries, and a brief shower, Dean set about making his trademark burgers, thinking they might help him feel a little bit better. It was strange, cooking alone. Normally Cas would be seated at the island, telling him about his day whilst drinking a glass of wine, or he would be helping him, constantly pushing him to the side with a bump of his hips. He’d never expected Cas to be as playful as he was. He always seemed so serious, so down to earth. When his dinner was ready, he sat down in front of the tv with his burger and a beer. He went through all the channels twice before deciding to just put a DVD in, settling for The Dark Knight Rises. He didn’t really pay attention to the movie, but his food was good. All that was missing was some good company. 

'H’llo?' came the muffled and obviously just woken up voice of Dean, followed by a yawn.   
'D-Dean?'  
'Cas?! Is that you? What time is it?' Dean asked, voice now clear and awake.  
'Erm... three-ish? Sorry, I... I had a nightmare and wanted to talk to someone and you were the first person that came to mind.' A lot of shuffling and the rustling a blanket followed.   
'That's fair enough, I'm glad you called. So talk to me, what can I do for you?' Castiel thought about that for a moment, not wanting to bother Dean any more than he was doing already. Cas bit his lip, he didn’t know what to do.   
‘Can you – could you…’ Cas really didn’t know what he wanted, not really. He didn’t want to be alone, but the visiting hours were long over and in a few hours Dean would be there again anyway.   
‘Can I what, Cas?’ came the careful reply, a slightly strange tone to his voice.   
‘Could you come here? To the hospital, I mean?’ 

Dean was slightly taken aback by the question. Castiel might not remember him, but apparently he did want him near. Well, whatever made his day, Dean supposed. ‘Yeah, sure. Give me… about twenty minutes and I’ll be right there, okay?’ a very small “yes” came as a response. He didn’t have a good feeling about this, knew that more likely than not he was going to end up hurt here, but he didn’t care. Cas didn’t even remember him, but he wanted company and he wanted Dean. So Dean was going to go to the hospital and be there for Cas. After a short goodbye he put down the phone before looking around. He’d fallen asleep on the couch, the Batman movie menu was playing in the background.   
He quickly turned off the tv, put his plate in the kitchen and made his way outside. It wasn’t long before his phone rang again. 

‘Dean, I’m so sorry but can you please just talk to me? I don’t know what’s going on, but I really don’t feel well and I could really do with a distraction,’ Cas admitted after the phone had been picked up.   
‘Eh... yeah sure. What do you want me to tell you?’ Cas thought about that for a moment.   
‘I don’t know, anything, everything, just pick something.’   
Dean started talking, telling Castiel what he was seeing on his drive to the hospital and portraying a very vivid image of the idiots that were driving at this time of night. Castiel closed his eyes, focusing on trying to see what Dean saw. 

‘Right, give me two seconds, I need to get out of the car.’ Dean cursed as he tried to do so, the keys wouldn’t come out of the ignition, the door wouldn’t open, then the door wouldn’t close, it wouldn’t lock and it was generally being a pain in the ass. ‘Sorry, baby,’ he muttered, feeling bad for manhandling his Impala like that.   
‘Are you almost here?’ Cas asked as Dean crossed the parking lot to the front door.   
‘Yeah, hold on, we’ll have to be silent for a while otherwise the nurses will hear me and you saw what Lisa’s like when it comes to visiting hours. Pretty sure she’s still on call, so bear with me until I get to you, okay?’ Dean replied as he tried to apply “stealth mode” to get into the hospital unseen. It didn’t take much effort, he walked up the stairs instead of taking the elevator and before long he was standing in front of Cas’ door. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. 

Castiel couldn’t remember ever being happier to see someone than he was to see Dean in that moment. He couldn’t explain why and he tried very hard not to think about it as it did nothing but confuse him, which made him grumpy, but he felt drawn towards the green eyed man.   
‘Hey,’ came the soft greeting as Dean made his way to Cas’ bed, standing next to it awkwardly. Too close to be friendly, too far away for Castiel’s liking. With a bit of effort he sat up and pulled Dean close and hugged him. He tried so hard not to think about all the confusing shit that was going on. Right now, he needed to feel Dean. 

A little startled Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, wondering what on earth had gotten into him.   
‘What’s up, Cas? Can you tell me what’s going on? Why I drove up here in the middle of the night?’ Castiel just shook his head, clinging to him even tighter. Taking another deep breath Dean decided to just go with whatever Castiel wanted, he’d deal with his own feelings and thoughts later. Right now, Cas needed him, so he’d be there. He’d be what Cas needed.   
‘I don’t know, I just felt – knew, maybe – that I needed you here, and now that you’re here I just feel like you’re still not close enough. Could you –’ he obviously stopped himself from asking what he really wanted, so Dean nudged him a little.  
‘Go on, could I what?’ even in the small amount of light that was in the hospital room, Dean could see that Cas was blushing.   
‘This is so embarrassing… but could you – would you get in the bed with me and just hold me? I’m aware that I don’t know you, but you do know me. I know that you care for me a great deal and I’m so sorry if this whole situation is painful for you, with me not remembering you and all that. Could you… I don’t know what our relationship is or anything like that, but could you just… try to do what you’d normally do? If I did remember you and knew what you meant to me?’   
By the end of Cas’ speech Dean was blushing as well. Yes, it was painful and yes, he cared for Cas a great deal and he’d do anything to make him feel better, but this felt so weird. Pushing his thoughts and feelings aside, Dean thought of a way to climb into the bed with his husband, carefully moving the drips and monitors around so that he could actually get into the bed. Before long, he’d managed to make some space for himself and shrugged off his jacket whilst toeing off his shoes as he sat down on the bed.   
After he got into bed, Cas wrapped himself around Dean like he used to. Dean snickered a little, getting an offended poke from the man pretending to be an octopus.  
‘Sometimes you remind me of Sammy, Cas. When he was little he was afraid of the dark and when he got over that, he was afraid of thunder and storms. So when he’d wake up because of a storm, he’d crawl into my bed and go octopus on me, like you’re doing now. He’d wrap himself around me and demand I’d tell him stories. It would never take long for him to fall asleep, and he wouldn’t wake up until the morning, but I’d be stuck in the same position all night.’ Dean felt Cas smile, his head against his chest, ear pretty much where his heart was.   
‘Can you do that?’ Cas asked.   
‘Do what?’  
‘Tell me stories?’ Dean smiled. Yeah, he could do that. Settling in for the night, Dean started talking. He told Cas some of the memories they had together, some of his own from when he was a kid. He told Castiel about some of his favourite things, the books and television series and movies he loved. He shared the heated argument they’d had on who was going to sleep on which side of the bed. He told him about how they had met and how they’d fallen in love. Dean was well aware that Cas had fallen asleep at some point, but he didn’t care. He just kept telling Cas about his life and the life they shared together.


	4. Chapter 4

When Castiel woke the next morning, he tried to remember what Dean had told him as he held him through the night. Small bits and pieces were coming back, something about the worst campsite known to man, someone named Jess screaming loudly in the middle of the night, waking up the whole campsite. He couldn't remember why, but remembered feeling Dean chuckle. There'd been a long list of favourite things of his, most of which he didn't remember or had never even heard of.  
Dean seemed to know an awful lot about him, it made him wonder about him. What was their relationship? What had the guy that didn't have a seven and a half years memory gap known about Dean? Had that guy known all his favourites, his hopes, his fears, his dreams? Castiel couldn't really explain it rationally, but he felt drawn towards this man. As he was thinking this and many other things over, Dean started stirring next to him.   
'Good morning, Dean,' Cas said, turning slightly so he could see the other man open his eyes. As Dean did that, Cas took a sharp breath. He hadn’t realized how green his eyes were, or how, when the light was just right, it seemed like there were flecks of gold in them. Or how many freckles Dean had. Or how nicely shaped his lips were.   
‘G’dmorning, Cas. Well… this is awkward. I slept in your bed, cuddled up with you and you don’t even know me.’ Castiel blushed at that, Dean had a point. But did Castiel mind? No, not really. He was the one that had asked Dean to come over in the middle of the night, after all. He had been the one who had asked Dean to do what he’d normally do, if Castiel still remembered him.   
‘Good morning. Did you sleep alright?’ Castiel asked, smiling at how Dean tried to get his eyes to focus on him as he was so close. Dean smiled back, bringing up a hand to ruffle Castiel’s hair, causing him to blush harder.   
‘Yeah, decent enough. What about you? No more nightmares?’ Castiel shook his head, he’d slept very well after Dean had tucked him in against his side. ‘That’s good. Really good. Well, I’m going to go and get some coffee and some breakfast if that’s okay with you. Can I get you anything?’ 

Dean tried to untangle himself from Castiel and the blankets, but found one particular part of his body not letting go of Cas. Their hands were linked, fingers entwined. Raising an eyebrow he looked at Cas, wondering how that had happened. Judging by the flabbergasted look on his face and the fact his blush was spreading to his ears and down his neck, Cas hadn’t been aware of it either.  
‘Sorry,’ Cas mumbled, pulling his hand back. Dean gave a small smile. He might not now know it had happened, but the fact Castiel hadn’t been aware of it either made him feel a bit better.   
‘Don’t worry about it. So, can I get you anything? The usual?’ Dean repeated, forgetting for the moment Cas probably wouldn’t know what “the usual” would be. He got up and out of the bed, putting on his shoes and coat.   
‘A cappuccino with two sugars would be great, thanks.’ Dean gave a big grin at that, so maybe Cas did remember some things. When they had met, Cas refused coffee altogether, and it hadn’t been until they lived together that he’d allowed Dean to experiment on him to see what he liked. They ended up with cappuccino with two sugars.   
‘The usual it is. I’ll be right back,’ Dean said with a wink before exiting the room. 

Dean’s departure left Castiel to his own thoughts. They’d been holding hands. He’d noticed before Dean had woken up, but hadn’t let go. It had felt familiar, right. The fact that things felt familiar and right and wrong and all these other stupid things were driving him crazy. They felt right or wrong, but there was no reason why. There was no memory behind why it felt right. Cappuccino with two sugars “felt right”. He’d said it without thinking. He never drank coffee. Earl Grey was his preferred hot drink.  
How the fuck was he supposed to make sense of things like this!? Just “knowing” things but not knowing why?! It was so frustrating and he wanted to see a doctor that could actually tell him how to proceed from here and what to do and what not to do. How likely it would be his memory would return and if it ever would. Thinking all this over made Castiel frustrated and moody. 

As Dean walked towards the café that sold proper coffee he mulled last night over in his head. Cas had seemed uncomfortable when he arrived, but that had faded quickly as they had hugged and he’d held Cas close. He’d woken up to find Cas staring at him, which, on its own wasn’t that strange, but considering he didn’t remember Dean, it was. And then the coffee, what was that about? Dean hoped the neurologist would come to visit that day to give some clarity because all these questions were driving him up the wall.   
After getting his order and paying for it Dean walked back towards Cas’ room, wondering what Cas thought of him, what he wanted from him and where he stood when it came to Cas. 

When Dean entered the room, Castiel was pulled out of his bad mood a little bit. Dean handed him his coffee and he took it gratefully, quickly taking a sip. He moaned – actually moaned – around his first sip. It felt like he hadn’t had coffee in ages and he had forgotten how good it was. How Dean knew exactly –   
‘Cas, you okay?’ Dean interrupted his thoughts, worry showing on his face.   
‘Yeah, just thinking. Everything’s so confusing and I just want some things to just make sense, you know?’ Dean nodded.   
‘You’re not the only one. How about I go harass someone about that neurologist they’re supposed to send to you, after I finish my coffee, that is?’ Castiel nodded, thankful that Dean was willing to do that for him. He sank back into thoughts, occasionally sipping his coffee.

‘Dean? Can I ask you something?’ Dean was pulled from his own thoughts by the sudden question. It had been silent for quite a while and he had been trying to figure out what he was going to ask the neurologist.   
‘Sure, shoot,’ he replied, looking up at Castiel, noticing he was turning his wedding ring around his finger.   
‘God, sorry, this is a weird question to ask… I couldn’t help but notice the similarity in the ring I wear and the one you’re wearing.’ Dean nodded, trying to encourage Cas to ask the question he felt was coming. ‘Are we… I mean… are you… am I…’

‘Yes, Castiel. We are married. I am your husband and you’re mine. We got married in August,’ Dean provided as Cas didn’t seem able to form the question.   
‘Oh. Right. Okay.’ Dean frowned a little.   
‘Why, is that –’   
‘Dean, I might have lost my memory, but I’m not completely stupid. I know I’m gay and from the amount of care you’ve shown me in the – well, since I woke up, I figured we were close. I don’t know how to explain it, but things just feel kind of… right, when you’re around. I don’t remember you, or getting married in August or who was present or what our history is together, but I know that having you around makes me feel less… less uncomfortable, in a way. I feel… safer, I think, with you around. Like – more like I can handle this, like I’ll be able to overcome this and move on, you know? Does that make any sense?’ Dean couldn’t help the tears that were streaming down his face. Cas had said pretty much the same thing when they’d confessed their love for each other. ‘Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?’ Dean shook his head, wiping his tears away.  
‘No, you didn’t say anything wrong. It’s just… I’m sorry that this is going to sound so weird and I know that you don’t feel the same, but… I love you, Cas. I love you so much and what you just said, I know that it’s weird for you and it’s weird for me as well, but I’m glad that some of the feelings you had for me aren’t completely gone. I mean, when I first told you I loved you, you weren’t sure how you felt. You just knew that you felt comfortable around me, and that being around me made you feel safe, and that with me around, you’d be able to –’ Dean couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. He had given up on trying to make the tears stop. All the tension from the last few days was coming out, all the stress, the worry, the shock that Cas didn’t remember him. 

‘Dean. Put down that cup and get your ass over here,’ Castiel ordered as he watched the other man have a small breakdown. He didn’t see Dean as a stranger anymore, he was a friend, if not more. The knowledge they were married and that Dean loved him was new, and it only added to the ever growing pile of things that were frustrating him because he didn’t remember. But, he could put that aside for the moment. He felt a pull towards Dean, had felt it from the start. Going with that, for a lack of memories and knowledge about anything else, he felt compelled to try to comfort Dean. ‘Dean. Get. Over. Here.’ Castiel stopped trying to think of what to say or what to do, tried to go with whatever his body deemed the right thing to do. Extending his hand out towards Dean, he desperately tried to make Dean move. ‘Dean, come on, please. Please make your way over here, I don’t want to piss off the nurses and doctors by getting out of bed and I really need you to be right here next to me right now, okay? So please get moving.’  
Dean slowly got to his feet, putting his cup down, and, while stumbling over his own feet, made his way to the bed, grabbing Cas’ hand and sat down on the side of the bed. It wasn’t enough, not to Castiel anyway, so he pulled himself into a sitting position and pulled Dean against him. He started murmuring comforting nonsense, not paying attention to what he was saying, just trying to comfort Dean. 

Dean couldn’t not relax when Cas’ hand found its way to the short hair at the back of his neck and started playing around with it. Cas might not have a conscious memory of the effect, but his body certainly remembered how to make Dean relax.   
Dean was pretty much convinced that Castiel wasn’t paying attention whatsoever to what he was saying, because there were so many things that the old Cas would say to him seeping through. It wasn’t long before Dean managed to get himself back together, embarrassed for breaking down like that in front of this Cas that didn’t remember a single thing about him.   
‘Na-uh. Don’t you _dare_ do that to me, Dean Winchester,’ came a low growl from Cas, startling them both.   
‘What… Cas, what was that?’ Dean asked, baffled at what just happened.  
‘I… I don’t know. I just…’  
‘Cas, I never even told you my last name,’ Dean said, incredulous.   
‘I know. I just… I don’t know, you seemed to… draw back into yourself or something and… well I didn’t – don’t - want that.’ Cas shrugged and seemed to be as much at a loss as Dean was.   
‘Erm… okay? Well I appreciate the gesture, but I just… I don’t want to dump all my… well, crap, on you right now. You’ve got enough on your mind without me breaking down on top of it, you know?’ Dean said, trying to rationalize it not just for Cas, but also for himself. His Cas was gone, possibly forever, and this half stranger seemed to know intimate things about him but fuck all at the same time. It was tough and he didn’t know how to deal with it. But he wasn’t going to give up. He was going to drag himself and Cas through this, no matter what. Cas gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.  
‘I know, but Dean, we’re **married** , I’m pretty sure that you’re supposed to talk about things when you’re married. And, well, you know, talk things out and stuff like that. I might not be… your Cas -’  
‘Bullshit. That’s just fucking bullshit, don’t you say that. You’re still my Cas. No matter what. I still love you and – ’  
‘Dean, you ass, let me finish. Look. I know that I’m not the person that you remember and that I might never remember who that is exactly, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try. I feel drawn to you, like I told you before. I want you around, Dean. It’s confusing as fuck and even scarier than it is confusing, but that’s what I want. That’s what feels right. I assume we’re living together and that I don’t have a place of my own?’ Cas interrupted, swatting Dean’s arm lightly.   
‘Yes, we are. And no, we bought a house together. Why?’ Dean asked, confused beyond belief and he couldn’t believe his ears.   
‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. Dean, when I get released from the hospital, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to go home. And I mean our home, I can’t say I remember anything about it, but I have this craving for “home”, and when you’re here with me, part of that craving gets satisfied. I want to see where we live, how we live.’ Dean had to wipe tears away again, Cas didn’t remember him, didn’t remember their home, but still wanted to be with him. Still wanted to be in their home. ‘Will you take me home, once I get released?’ Cas asked, voice sincere and soothing.  
‘Yes, Cas. God, yes. I’ll take you home as soon as possible.’  
‘Dean, listen. I know this is tough on you, but we’ve been together for seven years, you said?’ Dean nodded. ‘I want to at least give this a shot. I mean, I feel drawn to you and this kind of… ache when you’re not here with me, and I want to explore that. I’m not trying to make it sound like you’re an experiment, but I want to see where it takes me, where it takes us. I really hope you’re up for it, because I’m kind of putting it all out here in the open and it doesn’t make any sense to me so I can hardly expect it to make sense to you, but I just… I thought you should know.’

Castiel watched Dean’s surprise grow. He was aware that what he described was pretty much being in love. But pretty much wasn’t all the way. He didn’t know how he felt, or what he wanted or needed exactly, but he knew that Dean was part of it, had to be part of it. When he noticed more tears making their way down those freckled cheeks he couldn’t help but reach out and wipe them away. It broke his heart to watch Dean so sad. So broken, for a lack of better words. Castiel wasn’t the only one who had taken a hit in this situation. It had affected Dean at least as much.   
‘Cas, not that I’m not glad that you’re willing to try this and all, but you have to remember. I’m married to you and it’s going to take some, or maybe a lot of time, for me to get used to you not remembering all these things about you, about me, about us. I mean, you’re back to a point where I didn’t even know you and I’m at this point where the love of my life kind of… disappeared. And I just… it hurts. I feel like you’re a totally different person, yet so the same at the same time and it’s fucking confusing and quite painful and –’  
Castiel couldn’t help himself. He felt the need to kiss all this doubt, this pain, away. And so he did. Dean’s lips were soft against his, and he felt his eyes closed. His body remembered this. Small flashes, just out of reach images of sweet kisses, short kisses, long kisses, heated kisses, lazy kisses were filling his mind and he gasped. 

Dean was beyond shocked to find Cas’ lips covering his own. He’d been in the middle of a rant about how weird things were, when Cas did something so typical Cas he couldn’t believe it. Castiel’s lips were just like Dean remembered them, soft, warm, full of life. Then Cas gasped and pulled away, blue eyes filled with shock.  
‘Cas? What was that?’  
‘I… Dean, I… it was like this… kind of like a… I don’t know, it felt like the right thing to do, kissing you and then these images, like… like one of those books filled with images, that when you flip the pages they form a movie. These images of us kissing just fleetingly filled my mind and, well I wouldn’t call it remembering but I got these tiny flashes of us together and –’ Castiel was interrupted by those soft lips against his own again, a small gasp escaping him yet again. It wasn’t long before his eyes fluttered shut and his left hand found Dean’s, lacing their fingers together, wedding rings rubbing against each other.  
'Guys, a little help?' Sam said, bursting through the door and breaking up the kiss.   
'Dude, timing. You have terrible, terrible timing,' Dean announced, drawing further back from Cas and giving his hand one last squeeze before saving Sam from the ridiculous amount of bags he was holding and the thermos he was clutching to his side. 'Is that what I think it is!?'   
'That would be my trade mark hot chocolate, yes. And no, you can't have all of it. I read up on stuff that might trigger memories and smells and tastes are apparently really strong triggers. As Cas - good morning and how are you feeling, by the way - loooooooooooooves,' Sam swooned a little bit, exaggerating the o in loves, 'my hot chocolate. And we all know you're sucker for it.'   
Dean chuckled as Cas raised his eyebrows, obviously a little confused. 'Good morning and yeah, I'm okay. You?'  
Sam nodded. 'Yeah, good, good! Thanks! How did you sleep?' he asked as he emptied his arms onto the small table. 'Right, I gathered you were here already, Dean. I stopped by your house today, as I had an idea for breakfast. But you weren't there so I got some nice breakfast on my own and, well, there should be enough for all of us. I got pancakes, fruit, scrambled eggs, bacon, yoghurt, hash browns, sausages.'  
'Woah, you really went the whole nine yards, didn't you?' Dean replied laughing, as he started to unpack the breakfast.   
'Yeah, I slept well. Once Dean got here after my nightmare I slept fine. Yourself?' Sam raised an eyebrow at that, giving Dean a strange look.  
'Just fine. A tad weird to sleep at mum and dad's again, and not having Jess next to me, but it was fine. Right who's hungry?'

Castiel eyed most of the food suspiciously, not entirely sure what his doctors would approve of. In the end he settled for the fruit, a small piece of a pancake, and a glass of orange juice. Once he watched Dean eat most of the other stuff and Sam throwing a fit because of that, he made a grab for the hot chocolate. 

Dean watched Sam hold his breath as Cas took the first sip, trying to see if his theory would hold up.   
'Oh my god.'


End file.
